What now? {Tag Tamsyn}

[Devin Loup Garou]

I wasn't the man I used to be. And it wasn't by choice. I was reduced to a simple clan member because of Zane. It really ruffled my fur to know that even though I still carried the title of Freki, Halo was now the acting Freki, as I was still too weak to reclaim my position. And merely days after Zane took me out, Daniel, the clan's named Fenrir showed up, chasing after Tamsyn. And I couldn't do shit about it. I was even banned from obeying my Alpha's call when the other's went to witness the fight. That rankled the worst, hearing my Alpha call for his retinue, and not being able to respond. Forbidden to respond, actually. It was my nature to rush in and do my duty as Freki, and now, even that was taken from me.

It took me longer than normal, having to move at a slower pace, to get to one of my favorite places in the woods. A small pond, encircled by ancient elm trees, deep in the heart of the forest. I was well within the perimeter's of the Luna, which I was currently limited to unless I had guards. The Freki never needed guards. It was preposterous to even think such a thing. And yet, it had come to pass. I cursed Zane's name and spat into the dirt, wishing every form of ill on him. Likely it would serve no good, seeing as how he was not only immortal, but heavily ensconced in black magick. Only one other were, a Loup Garou at that, worked with so much black magick, and that had been Silvia. But even her dark side paled in comparison to Zane. I vowed to find a way to stop him, to end him once and for all, regardless of whether it cost me my life.

I sat back, leaning against one of the large elms that faced the pond and watched the reflection of the moon on the water's surface. The moonstone at my neck glimmered from both the moonlight and the reflection as I wrapped my hand around it and closed my eyes. I could still see it's glow in my mind's eye. I reached out to the Munin, costing me more strength than it ever had before, and called them to me. I let their winds cover me in the essence of my ancestors and prayed. I prayed for healing, for strength, and for the welfare of the clan. As I sat in their ethereal embrace, I contemplated my place in the clan now. I wasn't Freki, even if I still carried the title, and I wasn't anything else. So where did that leave me?

[Tamsyn Loup Garou]

My father was dead and such freedom I felt! I had vowed to kill him, to be there when he was dying, and that had come true, my vow to my mother whose life was taken by his hand, she was avenged. It all felt so good, and when I was welcomed back to the clan with open arms, I truly felt home. This was what home felt like, safe, secure with everyone around me that cared for each other. I was home, home! It still was unreal to think, but I didn't care. For so long I'd been at the mercy of my father, to stop him anyway I could from harming the clan, now he was dead and that burden was lifted from my shoulders with such sweet relief. My best friend still treated me as if I was made of glass, unsure on how to react now that I was pretty much living here full time now, irritation beyond belief I had with him forced me to strike out for some alone time, not to mention placing the roses in the river for my mother and to check on my nearly healed bruises and ribs.

To be alone when I did that would give me peace. I wanted no one to see because I didn't want to be treated differently or like a victim.
So after a quick bite of bread and butter, the bread made by Syren's hand, which I admit, one of the best breads out there, just one taste and you'll be going back for more, I had a chunk with me, nibbling on the edge as I slowly made my way through the clans grounds. It took a bit, still a little unfamiliar with the territory, I found a small pond, the rich, ancient elm trees providing comfort and security, the fact it was in the clans territory also helped. Kneeling down, I placed a handful of rose petals in the pond, before lifting up my shirt over my head, ruffling up my hair. I was still so elated about my freedom, that I never wanted it to be taken from me again, my heart nearly burst with such emotions as I scarfed the rest of the bread down, almost choking. Swallowing got tougher as I stuck my head into the water, lashing down my back with cold drops, drinking the water back to help.

Spluttering and coughing, I pulled up, hair hitting my neck and water drops flying everywhere. Drips ran along my faded bruises, down along my ribcage with a soft intake of breathe mainly because of the chill when I realized I wasn't alone. Twisting my head, I almost recoiled in shock before running my fingers through my soggy hair. "Sorry Devin, I thought I was the only one here. You look, troubled, do you want me to leave?" Where was my sarcastic and dominant attitude? I never said those words, but looking at Devin, I wondered how he was doing. He looked, like someone with no place, just rolling onwards with the times and I felt for him. In time things would be better, but right now, his look made me frown slightly. "I didn't mean to intrude, not what I was going for. If you do need to vent or anything, well I am here to listen, if you need it." My elation had disappeared like vapor, and probably wouldn't return for a while yet.

[Devin Loup Garou]

I wasn't so lost in my revery that I didn't hear, smell, and feel Tamsyn come by. I smelled the roses she carried as well, and my heart was torn. Not for her, but because I was unable to fulfill my duties as Freki the night she returned to us, the night her father drew his last breath. I heard the roses hit the water, and still did not open my eyes. I smelled her skin as she lifted her shirt. Her damp hair as she dunked into the water, the bread she'd brought with her. The scents so clear that I could see her in my mind's eye. I heard her take in a sharp breath and smirked, knowing it was because she'd thought she was alone. With my eyes still closed, my hand still wrapped around my amulet, I spoke. "It's okay, Tamsyn. I came out here for the same reasons as you did."

I thanked the Munin and released them, my hand dropping from my moonstone as I opened my eyes to look directly at Tamsyn. "No, you don't need to leave." I didn't say shit about looking troubled. I was troubled, going bat shit crazy in my own head. But she didn't need to be burdened with my thoughts. I sat up straighter against the elm, propping my elbows on my knees as I drew them up. Pinching off a shaft of grass I clenched it between my teeth and stared up at the moon.

"You're not intruding, doll. It's Luna territory. You have as much right as any of us to be here." I patted the grass next to me, offering her a place to sit, and inviting her to join me. "I'm good. Well, maybe not good, but I'm ok. No worries." I waited until she joined me to speak again. When she did, I turned to face her, leaning my head against the bark of the tree trunk. "I'm sorry Tamsyn. Sorry I couldn't be there the night you returned. The night the Fenrir attacked." I had to look away. I felt ashamed. Ashamed I couldn't perform my duties that night. Ashamed I hadn't been present when Cole took on Daniel. Ashamed I didn't see her strike the killing blow and end his reign as Fenrir against our Alpha.

[Tamsyn Loup Garou]

I arched my eyes, listening to his breathing and his voice that cascaded through the air like water trundling over smooth stones, soft, audible, and not at all hostile. Contemplating his words, I arched my neck backward, staring up at the sky through the canopy of leaves from the trees around us. "You mean because its quiet, and your more left alone?" I paused, taking in a slow breathe. It was quiet around, the other clan members back at the main camp, Mick traveling around the perimeter like he did every night. An owl hooted from my right, up in the elm's hidden depths, turning my head to face and seeing nothing, it was naught a surprise. Owls were silent creatures, seen only when they wanted to be. Wings as soft as silk, making no sounds when they went in for their kill. A true killer. I was glad I was not prey for the owls, they had powers too, not like we had, but you get my point. Little owl, find peace. We shall not intrude in your part of your territory.

"I am glad. I like it here. Calming. Relaxing, soothing." I murmured quietly, fingers rolling my top half of clothing into an easy to carry ball, especially if I decided to take a run as the wolf, then I could carry it in my mouth without trouble. "Even though I'm only half? Only half of me is Loup Garou, the other half part of the raving psycho that had dubbed himself the Fenrir, an enemy to the clan?" I asked, trying not to sound rude or angry, even though it probably sounded like it. Damn. Sighing, I shook my head, feeling my wet hair hit my flesh with each movement, a wince crossing my facade. "Sorry, I just. It's hard. I'm family yes, but I still carry the blood of the enemy in my veins. Some are not, exactly keen on me being here." Not that I would hurt the clan. I'd die before I betrayed or hurt them, I took my loyalty very seriously. Cole knew, same with Syren. If they had doubts, I wouldn't be here, I knew that. Still, sometimes your mind liked to be nasty.

Seeing him pat the grass next to him, I was almost ready to snarl and tell him I was not a dog. But really, all fight had left me, I was in no position to be nasty tonight, not when I was already so relaxed and calm. Picking up my clothing, I stood carefully, working out the kinks in my muscles, padding over to Devin before taking a seat next to him, the elm digging into my back when I leaned back into it. "Your not good. Even I can see that." I paused. "Well, if you can tell me that your okay and sound more convincing, I'll believe you." I winked, patting him gently on the arm. No worries, pah, now he said that I WAS worried. But I didn't voice it out loud. "Don't be. I'm not." I began, staring at Devin right in his eyes. "Look, those that were around, they saw just how much of a victim he had made me. Cole, Syren, Mick, Nicholai, Halo, they all saw me at my worst. I don't want anymore to know, I don't want to be treated like glass. I'm still strong, still me. You being there, I don't think I could have handled that."

[Devin Loup Garou]

I grinned at Tamsyn. She'd nailed the reasons I'd come here, of all places, on her first try. "Exactly." Her comments about only being half Loup Garou startled me. I hadn't thought she may see it that way. "No. That's not right at all. He didn't have to be our enemy. He chose his path, like you are able to chose yours. His blood was not our enemy, but his actions proved him to be. You are not an enemy, by whole or by half." She might not believe it now, but perhaps in time she would come to understand the difference. It's our choices that make us who we are, as well as our blood. She may share blood with the Fenrir, but she does not have to share his choices. I looked back up to the moon. "Then that is their problem, not yours. Whether you are full blooded Loup Garou, or come to us in another fashion, once you are Loup Garou, even in part, you are always Loup Garou." As a whole, generally the clan was quite accepting of others, even other breeds of shifters, as is evident with Kami or Ursa. But there are still some who hold others responsible for what their family may have done against any one of the clan. Fools, the lot of them.

I chuckled, finally, something I seemed to do less and less of each day since I was gravely wounded. "Yeah, well, I don't think I have it in me to sound more convincing. Physically, I'm ok, still on the mend. Mentally..." I took a deep breath. "Well, it's completely fucked in there." I tapped my temple with my forefinger then plucked the blade of grass from my teeth. Without meaning to, the edge of a growl crept into my voice when next I spoke. "You don't know what I can handle." I pushed off from the elm, standing and stalking toward the pond. "I'm sorry." I hung my head, dark hair falling to cover my face, though my back was to Tamsyn. "I didn't mean it to come out like that." I tossed the blade of grass away and shoved my hands in my pockets, once more returning my gaze skyward.

"My entire life I've trained for Freki. I was raised in the ways of the clan and never turned my back to it. What's left of me now? I cannot be Freki now. Maybe not ever again. And yet I still carry that title, though Halo is acting as Freki in my place. Cole doesn't seem to see fit to strip me of the title, and I am not ready to resign." I turned, facing Tamsyn again. "I would not have seen you as weak. The Fenrir was weak, to exploit you and manipulate you after his own gains. Only the weak use others in such a way. You are strong Tamsyn, of that, I have no doubt. It's me I doubt. My place now that things have changed." I sighed, shifting my view to scan the horizon before returning to where I'd previously sat.

"You have another life ahead of you now. A life within the clan, free from the influence of the Fenrir. I....I have nothing. I am no longer a warrior, a sargent in arms for our Alpha. I am simply a man, and a werewolf. Barely that. So tell me Tamsyn, what now?"

[Tamsyn Loup Garou]

My whole life I was strong, the dominant one, always kicking ass and taking names, no matter who, or what it was that was on the other end. Drifting through life stages, getting a career as a singer and promoting my songs, allowing others a soft glimmer of hope if they felt that way, it was all that mattered. I was strong, tough, nothing could bring me down, let them try they all got burned in the end. Except him, my father. He tamed me like a common animal, hurting me when I did not conform. It was physical, nothing sexual or anything like that, still, it hurt. And being beaten down like that when my whole life I was powerful, stronger than that. To be seen as victim, a poor defenseless creature. It was worse than all the beatings, all the sneering and words aimed my way. "Even if I am his daughter, I am still part of the clan. Because I do not follow in his paw steps, but have my loyalty to the clan?" I asked, snapping from my little revere, staring at Devin with a soft, slow smile on my features.

It made sense, the way he put it. His words also reminded me of Synge speaking one time, saying how, once you were a Loup Garou, you always were a Loup Garou. Suddenly it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders for the second time, and it felt good to know that. I believed Devin, it reinforced what Synge had spoken, what was being said in the clan. The others, well, you had them in every clan and group, so I was going to try and not listen to them. They were entitled to their own opinion. "Hey, looks like I'm growing up. Normally I fight these sorts of things, but, I believe you Devin. And really, it makes me feel better." I appreciated his words, even if he was just telling the truth. Hell, I appreciated him for telling the truth and not sugar coating anything to spare my feelings. I know I was complex and strange at times, this being one of them when it may sound like I wanted acceptance, but always wanting the truth. Hey, I didn't say listening to me wouldn't confuse anyone.

"That does make sense. The mind, is more complex than the body. It'll take time." I drifted off as Devin spoke, a growl laced his vocal tones, my hair standing on the nape of my neck as my mind instantly took that as a challenge. Standing up myself, the wind cooling the naked part of my body, goosebumps upon the flesh, not so much from the wind, but mainly the adrenaline, I calmed down a bit when he apologized, his form now standing near the edge of the pond. "No, I don't know what you can handle. But I know what I can handle. And you seeing me like that, would've killed me." I swallowed, never before had I admitted my feelings like that! Sure I liked Devin, never having much of a romance bone in my body, I did not know what love was, or even what I was feeling, it could have been something different. Devin was different to everyone else, I knew that much. Whether I was going to take solace and comfort from that, well, only time would tell on that issue.

"Apology accepted." Slowly walking towards him in case he attacked, which I really doubted such a thing, I breathed out my nose, the roses I placed in the pond left gentle scents in my nasals. "You have been Freki for a long time. I doubt Cole will want to strip you from that title so soon, you have been one of the great Freki's of the clan." At least that was how Nyta spoke of it, and hey, I did believe her. She has been in the clan for many, many years. I'm talking over one hundred at least. Just don't tell her I said that. "You and Halo, both Freki's of the clan, working together. It seems fitting, you and Halo are close, there is no change of one getting power hungry and killing the others. It's a gain for the clan, and as far as I know, it has never happened before. One day, you may be able to be a full Freki without worrying about past wounds or the like. Think of it like this, you are the elder Freki, like, a guardian. Still a Freki, but allowing a younger one to fill the Freki position, like a trial run." Oh man, I think I was going from bad to worse. I never was good at making people feel better.

I blushed, thankful for the darkness surrounding me when Devin spoke of me, and how he didn't view me as weak. But this was not about me, but Devin. I wasn't going to bare him with all my issues when his mind, may not be able to cope. "You are right. About the weak issue thing. But, you are something, you have something. Don't you see? When you are healed I have no doubt you will be a warrior again, someday, but this could be your chance to rest, think of maybe having a family until you are ready to go back in the reigns. And I'm aware I am probably making this whole issue worse. I, I do not know what you are going through. To offer advice like this is foolish of me." I stopped, following him as he sat back down, tilting my head to stare at him. "What now? You carry on. You don't give up hope no matter how bleak the future and the horizon seem. You still want to be a warrior, to be who you were before? Then fight for it. Don't give up on it. This may not be a consolation, but, you will always have me as well." Without thinking, without even planning, I leaned down, cupping his head with my hands and placing a soft, tender kiss upon his lips. Jerking back, I stared wide eyed, shaking my head slightly as I realized I had just kissed Devin, "I, I'm sorry, I didn't mean, I hope I didn't over step any boundaries." Way to go Tamsyn! I mocked myself, it was easy.

[Devin Loup Garou]

I nodded in response to Tamsyn. She'd put it well. Because she didn't follow her father's example, but made her own way, and was loyal to the Loup Garou, yes, she was part of the clan. "I'm glad it gives you some modicum of comfort. The truth is often harsher than that." I balled my hands into fists as she spoke of my reign as Freki, something I felt very detached from at the moment. It was as if my very life had been ripped from me. And that hurt much worse than Zane shredding my entrials. "Halo is a good man, and he knows well the way of the Loup Garou and the position of Freki. Perhaps I am being foolish for not wanting to let go." It may very well be true. It was difficult to not be what I'd been raised to be, what I lived to be. I wasn't contemplating suicide, even though it felt as if my life was over. I was simply....lost.

I raised an eyebrow at her statement about not wanting me to see her in such a state. Funny, since I came here so that none of the clan had to see me in a similar state of mind. Also, Tamsyn wasn't known to be quite that open. Her father's death seemed to free her in a number of ways, allowing her to open up more and share feelings she once kept heavily guarded. "I would not have judged you Tamsyn, or seen you as weak. I have always thought of your father as the weak one. Using force and abusive ways to try and control or corrupt you. That is true weakness. That you were compelled to do as he asked of you isn't weak. He was your father, Fenrir or not, and one usually feels a certain level of compassion for the authority of a parent."

Clenching and unclenching my fists, I was unable to separate myself from the part of our conversation that dealt with my own dilemna. "It may work, having 2 Freki's. I worry that Halo isn't ready, though I know he's trained exceptionally well. I worry that I'll never be fit to reclaim my position within the pack. I've never worried so much before. I've never questioned so much, or doubted myself. It's....unsettling." I was doing well with control so far, as I hadn't let another growl edge it's way into my voice. "Family? And what could I offer another, now that I am not even sure what I am? What Loup Garou out there could accept a Freki that is no longer Freki, but wounded and may never fully heal? What female would want one that is not whole? Because that's what I am now Tamsyn. Without purpose, I am only half of what I was." I considered this weakness, and I'd never before seen myself as weak. It bothered me, got under my skin like a burr, it was the itch I couldn't scratch, and it would remain there until I healed or died. Whichever came first.

I shook my head, relaxing my fists. "No. It is not foolish. I appreciate you being candid and open with me. I've not spoken of this to anyone else. Not even my sister." In a way, I felt to address this with Evie would be to bring shame to our family. And yet part of me knew that wasn't true at all. I allowed myself a soft smile. "That is something much easier to say than do Tamsyn." I was about to go on, when her lips brushed against mine. That brief kiss wiped all thoughts from my mind. I barely heard her apologize, I was too caught up in the sensation of her lips against mine. It had been so long since someone had kissed me, even briefly, save for a sisterly peck from Evie. I reached up, grabbing Tamsyn's wrist and pulled her toward me. Wrapping my arms around her frame I claimed her lips once more, kissing her fiercely. Now it was my turn to see if I'd overstepped any bounds, and she would let me know. Until then, I was more content than I had been in days, kissing her, feeling her soft skin yeild under my fingers.

[Tamsyn Loup Garou]

"Truth often is harsh. People sugar coat it for others, yet sometimes, the truth is needed." Often the truth was like a knife slitting in your flesh, with no pause or hesitation. Most times it was needed, while others, it depended on the situation. All you had to do was judge whether or not the truth was needed at that moment in time, or if it could wait. Sometimes, it destroyed, while others, it was for the best. So it was hard to determine whether it was needed or could be put off until later. "Halo is a good man, and a good wolf. And he had an exceptional leader. Give him a chance, he is only as good as his teacher." I shook my head. "Not foolish. You were brought up, the Freki position had been yours for years. It's hard to let go of something when, for so long, you've been in that part." Give himself some time, and he may see things differently. I was not going to push him to get over it now, he would in his own way, and his own time. I could give him that.

I wished not to speak about my father, his wounds inflicted on me were fading, my eyes stared down at the faded scars and bruises, his words echoing in my head. "You filthy little whore! You want to live and raise pups from their blood, to betray me, your father and the one that raised you from an insolent little bitch?" I couldn't help but shiver, even though I wasn't that cold, wrapping my arms around my stomach, keeping me calm for the time being. Like a security blanket, almost. It was hard, but I bit my lip, not wanting to retort and have the conversation on my father, I wanted nothing more to speak about the Fenrir of the clan, he was dead and gone, and I was free. Why weigh myself down with all this talk? Sniffing the air, I knew we were still alone, no one had come across us yet which was nice, though it wasn't like the clan intruded on every conversation and stuff like that. They knew when to help, and when to back off and give others space.

Taking another deep breathe, controlling myself rather well if I do say so myself, I began to reply, hoping I didn't set him off. "Do not worry. What will come, will come. What will happen, will happen. Do not worry until that time comes. It's hard yes." I watched as he clenched and unclenched his hands, from fists to none, and instinctively I wanted to hold him, and soothe him. I had no idea where those feelings came from, and why I had them, but I did. He carried on speaking while I stayed silently, trying to see where he was coming from but failing, since I was not him, I did not know how he felt or what was going through his mind. "I do." I whispered. "I am a female that wants you." Again, a whisper. "It matters not that you were once Freki, it matters not that you are wounded, perhaps never to heal." I was using his words against him, trying to turn it into something a bit better. "I want you. I accept you. Not because of that, because of who you are, your heart." Freki or not, I cared deeply for him, I just never knew it until now.

"It can be difficult to talk to family. And I do understand. Somethings are easier said than done, until that time happens." Feeling his hand around my wrist, pulling me closer to him, I held my ground so I didn't trip, my black hair cascaded thickly down my back in elegant locks, staring deeply into his eyes before being lost, all thoughts froze in my head as he kissed me, fiercer and deeply this time, and I eagerly returned the kiss as a soft moan parted from my jaw, my fingers from my free hand ran down his cheek, moving backwards along his jawline and around his neck, tugging on his hair. Moving my other hand, still wrapped in his hand, I twisted until I could clasp his hand properly, that way he wouldn't fall or escape unless he forced it to. Never before had I felt such emotions hitting me all at once, I felt content and happy, being in Devin's arms, kissing him, I felt like I belonged here, no other sensations even came close to that. Somehow, I felt like I could fly without wings, not that I was going to try it.